


The Space Between Stars

by TheSpaceFox



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars: Jedi: Fallen Order (Video Game)
Genre: BD-1 is best droid, F/M, Fluff and Angst, I would literally die for these soft idiots, Mostly Fluff, My First Work in This Fandom, No Beta, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Post-Endgame, We Die Like Men, also, english isn't my first language, the Mantis crew is found family and they deserve happiness
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-12-02
Updated: 2020-01-19
Packaged: 2021-02-26 06:41:44
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 11,973
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21649225
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheSpaceFox/pseuds/TheSpaceFox
Summary: A little expansion of the dynamics between the Mantis crew, focused especially on the budding relationship between Cal and Merrin.Set POST-ENDGAME. Beware of possible spoilers.
Relationships: BD-1 & Cal Kestis, Cal Kestis/Merrin, Cere Junda & Cal Kestis, Merrin & Greez Dritus
Comments: 59
Kudos: 306





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> So, I really liked the idea of Cal and Merrin finding some solace in each other and this was supposed to be a small one-shot but this quickly got away from me and became a multi-chapter work and I really have no idea how.  
> I just got really invested in all of the characters and their stories and I wanted to explore them more, but I have to say that I'm not that knowledgeable about the Star Wars universe except for what's in the main movies (and even there I have some blanks because I've seen them forever ago) and in the game so, please, bear with me here. I've made some research but I can't guarantee that everything will be 100% canon compliant although I'll try my best.
> 
> Since English isn't my first language, please let me know if there are any mistakes so that I can fix them!
> 
> Thank you very much for looking this up and have a nice reading! <3

They decided to head back to Bogano for now. They needed to stop for supplies and, after that close escape from Nur, any well-known outpost or planet was out of the question. They needed to lay low and out of the Empire’s radar for now and hope that Vader didn’t want to be personally involved in the hunt for them. They had escaped him once already and Cal knew that that miracle wasn’t likely to happen again.

He knew that even Bogano might have been a risk, after all, Trilla had found them there and if she knew, the Empire knew, but it was a risk they had to take. They would run out of supplies sooner than later and Bogano wouldn’t be the obvious choice for a pit stop. After all, they went through all that trouble to get the holocron out of that vault, so why go back there, where there was nothing for them? Or at least he hoped that was the case, because with his wound still fresh he doubted he could protect anyone if they encountered trouble.

Just thinking about his wound made it burn under his dark grey shirt, and the events of the past days started replaying under his closed eyelids as he rested on his cot in his room.

Had he made the right choice? Perhaps in his wish to protect those children he had doomed them all. He may have, very well, just destroyed their last chance for a brighter future. And perhaps he did.

But then he remembered Trilla’s memories, the pain and suffering that she had to endure. The way they had broken her to mold her to the will of the Empire. The terrifying dark shadow that was Vader, the commanding twisted will just his mere presence oozed. And he knew that if he had used the holocron to rebuild the Order those children would have had to face that darkness too. And they would have fallen to him, like Trilla and Cere had. Like all the other Inquisitors have. Like he knew he would have.

No, perhaps it wasn’t the right choice but it was the only choice that made sense. And he trusted the Force to find a way for the light to shine again in the galaxy.

Suddenly, the silence of his room was broken by BD-1 who beeped curiously at the door from its spot on the floor. Cal had just the time to turn his head in the general direction of his robotic companion before a soft but sure knock resounded from the entrance of the room.

“What? You’re a sensitive now, BD? Is there anything you can’t do?” he said with a smirk as he propped himself up in a sitting position with more effort that he would have liked.

“Beep-Boop!” Responded confident his little friend. It had even made a movement that seemed to poof its chest out proudly, as if showing off its infinite talents.

Cal’s smile only grew at the antics of his friend.

“Yeah, of course you are.” He said half jokingly, only after a second remembering the person waiting outside the door. “Come in. It’s open.”

The door, then, slid open revealing the resident Nightsister of their ship and BD wagged its whole body while letting out an exited beep.

He kept the soft smile as he greeted her with a simple wave of hand. The lack of immediate response from her made him furrow his brows and he leaned a little to get a better view of her. Timid isn’t an adjective that he’d ever think to associate with Merrin, but seeing her standing frozen for a second at the doorstep before entering the room, as if gathering courage before embarking on a dangerous task, she certainly seemed that. He was taken aback by the realization that there was so much he didn’t know about her yet and he immediately found himself wanting to discover more and more about his new friend.

“So, how are you doing?” she asked, eventually, as she moved in front of him, scanning him with her dark eyes.

His right hand instinctively moved to cover his wound as he answered truthfully. There was no reason to put up a charade, besides, he knew that she would appreciate a hard truth a thousand times more than a sweet lie.

“It’s hurting a lot less than when I woke up, but even with a few stims, it’ll take a while to fully heal. It’s deep.”

“Yes, I know. It will leave a scar.” She said it matter-of-factly but something in her tone and stance seemed sad or maybe regretful about it.

“Well, what’s one more, right?” He said trying to lighten the mood, and while he did manage to win a half smile from Merrin, somehow the somber atmosphere around them didn’t seem to change much.

“You have a lot of those, don’t you?” She said, finally sitting down near him on his bed, now her turn to try lighten the conversation. “Do they all have exciting stories of near-death escapes attached to them?”

“No, not at all!” He chuckled, and gestured the small scar on his eyebrow. “See this one? Well, I wasn’t paying attention where I was going and let’s just say it’s not the smartest move when you work as a scrapper on a shipbreaking yard with things being moved around all the time.”

She looked at him incredulously for a moment, and then she laughed. Not a chuckle or a half smile, no she laughed, actually laughed, bare teeth and smiling eyes and head tossing back. And with that the heavy atmosphere was broken. Cal had never seen her so light and delighted, so open and relaxed. The sound of her laughter was like music, never mind that she was laughing because he had been a clumsy idiot once, it was putting him under a mesmerizing spell and he couldn’t but stare at her with warmth rising at the pitch of his stomach and putting him at ease.

“You can’t possibly be serious.” She managed after a while, laughter still dancing on her lips.

“No, no! I am. I swear!” He reassured, now slightly laughing too and head nodding in affirmation.

“Somehow, I actually don’t find it hard to believe.”

He took his eyes off of her for a moment, looking at the floor to see if BD was having as much fun as Merrin and he was surprised to see that his little pal had left the room unnoticed. He wondered why the droid decided to leave them alone but, curiously, he found he was grateful that it did.

“What about the one on the nose? Did you run into a wall?” Merrin teased, calling back Cal’s attention to her.

“No…” He paused for dramatic effect. “One of the security droids back on Bracca malfunctioned and decided to explode in my face as I was trying to fix it.”

She raised her eyebrows as a glint of mischief illuminated her eyes and deadpanned: “That doesn’t seem a very secure work place.”

It was now Cal’s turn to burst with laughter, almost too much for his poor injured ribs to handle.

“Merrin… That was awful.”

“You are laughing, aren’t you?”

He shook his head but a soft smile never left his lips. He side-eyed her and noticed that she was glancing at the scar on his lips so he prompted the story without waiting for the question this time.

“This one is actually the first one I got on Bracca. I ended up in a fight with some other scrappers and since I couldn’t show my abilities I got beaten to a pulp.”

The air lost part of its mirth after that but it was still warm and comfortable. She had a soft understanding smile on her lips and she looked away from him as she stated more than asked.

“You didn’t have it easy there.”

“No. No, I didn’t. But I could have had it worse.” He thought back again to Trilla’s memories in the interrogation chamber.

He wasn’t paying attention anymore, lost in those dark echoes, and he was startled by Merrin’s soft touch as she gently run her thumb along the blaster scar on the right side of his face. After a second of doubt, he closed his eyes and leaned back into it, causing the rest of her hand to cup his face. It was so delicate and careful, almost revering, as if she already knew the story behind that scar. He wondered if her connection to the Force gave her some abilities similar to his psychometry but he knew that that wasn’t the case, she was simply that observant.

“What about this one?”

It was barely a whisper but, since they were so close now, Cal had no trouble hearing it. He slowly opened his eyes and turning to properly face her, he told her the story of Order 66, of how the Jedi Order fell, of how his entire world changed.

He kept it brief, to the point, and while he may have had made peace with what happened it didn’t hurt any less to speak about it. But he wanted to. He wanted to tell her, truly tell her what happened that day. If anyone could understand what he experienced it was her. Two children, betrayed and left alone, trying to survive however they could. Their stories might have been different, but the feeling of loss was the same.

Her eyes glistened, but she never took them off of his face, and neither she moved her hand from his cheek, not until he was finished, at least. Then she turned away from him and she curled her hands in her lap and with her head hanging down she spoke.

“I’m so sorry, Cal.”

He was studying her intently. Everything about her, from her posture trying to seem smaller than she was, to her eyes refusing to look at him, to her feeble voice, it seemed to scream to him not only understanding but guilt and regret and he was confused.

“For what? That wasn’t your fault.”

“No…” She turned her head finally looking back at him, steely determination on her face. “But you had a chance to start anew. You could have rebuilt. I still think destroying the holocron was the best thing we could have done for those children, but I can’t but feel responsible for the choice you made.”

Cal was baffled. Of course she felt guilty about this. She had no choice but to accept that she was the last of her kind, that she would be the last daughter of Dathomir, but he had a hope to find the next generation of Jedi, a hope to rebuilt from the ashes. And in her eyes, he chose to give it up because of her arguments.

He took her hands in his and hold them tight, hoping to make her understand.

“No, Merrin. I made that decision on my own. Besides, you are right. If we had used it, we would have put all those innocents in danger. I saw visions of that back at the vault. – He hadn’t told anyone about the visions yet, not eve Cere. He intended to, but he just hadn’t found the right time to do so yet. Maybe this wasn’t the right way of telling her either but he needed to her to understand. – The Force must have showed them to me for a reason. They deserve better than what we had.”

“Yes, they do. But what about you? And Cere? – she adds as an afterthought. – Don’t you deserve better?”

A bitter half smile colored his lips as he recalled his old master.

“The obstacle is the way. – He looked at her resolute. – We’ll find another path, a better one. One that doesn't involve endangering those children. That’s what we do. You don’t have to worry about us.”

“Somebody has to.”

She didn’t seem too convinced but she seemed to let it go for now. New resolution finding way in her as well, as she added: “Well then, I guess I’ll help you find it. Your new path.”

He smiled earnestly.

“Thank you.”

They kept staring at each other deeply, and neither of them knew for how long, hands still intertwined. Then the door swished open and both of them immediately let go, heads whipping towards a very curious Cere.

Cal could tell that she was definitely intrigued by her raised eyebrow and piercing gaze but she didn’t make any comment, she simply smiled a seemingly knowing smile and shook her head as she said:

“We’re about to get to Bogano. We’re not expecting company since we haven’t picked up any imperial transmission in the vicinity but you two still better get ready. Especially you Merrin, we might need that cloaking trick of yours again.”

They all got ready for action at once without any more words needed. They were ready for whatever was expecting them.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the wait but I had some stuff IRL that needed to be done and at the same time this chapter kinda took a life of its own and started to become way longer than what I expected it to be so I decided to divide it in two. Here's the fist part, the second will be uploaded sometime this week since I still need to work on it a bit more.  
> I really wanted to thank every single person who decided to stop by and check this work out. I never expect it to get so many hits and I'm really grateful for you guys <3
> 
> And now, without further ado, have a nice reading! <3

Surprisingly, they found only boglings and other critters when they arrived on Bogano. No stormtroopers lying in wait to ambush them, no inquisitors tracking them down. Bogano was as peaceful as when they first arrived months ago. It was unexpected and Cere feared it was a trap but Cal couldn’t complain about the situation. For once things seemed to be going their way. He could feel that the Force was calm and undisturbed there. He was sure that, at least for the moment, they were safe.

Since a few hours after landing things still seemed calm enough, they decided it was best to stay on Bogano for longer than a simple supply run, long enough to give Cal time to proper heal and for everyone to wind down from their latest adventure on Nur.

They made Cordova’s old abode their base camp and, just to be safe, they decided to hide the Mantis in a nearby cave on the cliffs’ side rather than leaving it out in the open. It wasn’t exactly easily accessible but Cere with her Jedi agility and Merrin with her magick had no trouble reaching the hiding spot, and if it weren’t for his injuries Cal wouldn’t have had to wait for them back at camp while they hid it. The only real problem with the Mantis’ hiding spot was getting Greez in and out of it to actually fly the ship but thankfully Cere was strong enough to be able to carry him whole the way. Not that he had liked it, but he hadn’t grumbled as much as Cal would have expected either.

The first few days they were there, were uneventful. Everyone was working to make the old crumbling refuge more welcoming and livable and they focused on gathering everything they needed while Cere kept careful track of any nearby imperial transmission and Cal’s scrapping abilities came in handy as they found and repurposed old tech all around the area.

It was quiet and simple on Bogano and Cal hadn’t felt this safe in a while. He wasn’t even sure in how long exactly. On Bracca he was never safe, he might have grown accustomed to it, but a feeling of anxiety and mistrust never left him, always seething beneath the surface, ready to jump out as soon as a single detail seemed amiss. It was that surviving instinct that allowed him to go unnoticed right under the Empire’s nose. And now, after five long years of that, even if they were still wanted by the Empire, he felt like he could relax a little. The people there, all of them, became more than just friends, they were his family. Like Prauf and Master Tapal had been. Sure, there might have been some hiccups along the way, but what family doesn’t have a few rough patches here and there?

Still, he wanted to makes things right with Cere. They may have gotten over their differences but there still was a giant elephant in the room that needed to be addressed.

Trilla’s fate.

And after his talk with Merrin back on the Mantis, Cal had been thinking about the holocron, too.

He had destroyed it, protecting those children, yes, but also robbing the Order of a future. Robbing Cere of the chance to be a master again.

He approached her after about a week on the planet. Things were starting to slip into a routine, and he knew he would have found her free of tasks to do in the early evening, right before dinner.

She was meditating in a spot in a nearby field, under the fading gleam of twilight. He noticed relived that she had been doing that more lately. She may still feel the pull of the Dark Side but this could only be a good sign.

He sat beside her, without saying a word, waiting patiently for her to come to. He knew full well how important and personal connecting with the Force could be and he didn’t want to intrude.

After a few minutes of easy silence, she spoke without opening her eyes, startling him.

“You can talk if you want, you know.”

“I- I didn’t want to disturb you.”

“Well, it’s too late for that.”

She was clearly teasing him, her now open eyes glinting with a little mischief that was a little rare for her these days.

He smiled softly and then he nervously started to pluck some strands of grass in front of him.

This seemed so much easier in his head. He had a plan. He wanted to start with Trilla. Asking about who she was as padawan rather than the ruthless inquisitor who murdered his friend. He wanted to hear the good memories, not only the painful ones. He wanted to tell her about Master Tapal and how things were for them back in the days of no Empire, when there was more to life than just trying to survive. He wanted to ask about the holocron, to see if she was actually mad about it even though she had never mentioned or questioned his decision after he had cut it in half with his lightsaber. He wanted to say so many things but now he seemed to have forgotten all words, his tongue tied in an unbreakable knot.

Would she be mad for what he did? Or worse, would she be disappointed?

They fought for so long, running around from one corner of the galaxy to the next on a breadcrumb trail and he had destroyed their reward in less than a few seconds. If things were reversed, he’d probably be furious. He had never given her more of an explanation after his lousy speech back on the Mantis. And she never asked for one. But did it mean that she understood his reasons or was it out of kindness? Or maybe-

“Cal? Is something wrong? Is it your wound? Does it still trouble you?”

He was brought out from his spiraling thoughts and back to the present. He had clearly been too silent for too long and that had granted him the worried look the older woman was now giving him.

There was no point focusing on ifs and buts, if he wanted answers, he had to talk with her. He resolved himself to do this and so he turned back to her, facing her fully as he spoke.

“No, no… I mean, it’s taking longer than I would want to but it’s going to be fine.”

“Mmh. – she hummed in agreement. – You were lucky to get out of there with only that wound. Things could have gone a lot worse.”

“Yeah, no kidding. I never understood why Sith Lords were so feared by the Order, but now I get it. I mean I knew why, it’s just that as kid I always thought they were exaggerating stories, but I guess they weren’t.” He said thinking back to his lessons.

“Yes well, perhaps _some_ stories were exaggerated. But not **_him_**. You could feel it, couldn’t you? That immense coldness.” – She paused and then as little more than a whisper, almost reverent, she added: - “I’ve never felt anything like that before or after meeting him.”

Cal looked at her intently. He knew exactly what she meant. That sheer coldness and darkness that shrouded the room the moment he walked in, his presence enough to suffocate them.

“Yeah… - He licked his lower lip nervously before continuing. No turning back now. – It was him, wasn’t he? The Dark Shadow?”

She looked away shamefully.

“Cere… There was no way for you to resist _that_.”

“Maybe not. But Trilla was the one who paid for it.”

“I’m sorry about her, Cere…”

And he was, he genuinely was. Despite having every good reason to hate her after what she did to Prauf, _to him_ , he could only feel pity for the poor padawan. He knew full well that if things had been different, he could have joined her, he could have _been_ her.

He took a deep breath before continuing, refocusing on what he needed to say.

“But her death isn’t on you. Just like Master Tapal’s death isn’t on me. We have to move on.”

She looked at him with her imperturbable Jedi Master face, the one he was never able to read, so he continued, trying to help her as she had helped him.

“It’s not easy, I know it’s not. I’m still not sure if I’m ever going to truly move on… but we have to try. For them. They wouldn’t want to see us this way.”

Lost, broken, afraid. No, he had been afraid for five years. He was done being afraid, he was done running, from the Empire and his past. He understood it now. He couldn’t change the past, he could learn from it, treasure the good parts, but never change it. There was no point in beating himself over the head for something that couldn’t be change. Sometimes he had to remind himself that, but still, he was trying.

She scoffed at that last part.

“I’m sure Trilla would have loved this, actually.”

He frowned. He knew she didn’t really mean it but he still felt the need to comfort her, to help her see the truth.

“Maybe. But I felt her Force Echo when I picked up her lightsaber… Despite everything, she still loved you, Cere. I didn’t know her but I can’t see anyone enjoy their loved ones’ suffering.”

She wasn’t surprised at his revelation, or if she was, she didn’t show it. She simply took her padawan’s lightsaber from her belt and started caressing it fondly with her thumb. Then, after a few moments of silence, she smiled bitterly and turning to him once more she said:

“Thank you, Cal. For everything.”

He felt his cheeks burn bright red and his eyebrows rose up high. He hadn’t expected that. He awkwardly looked around and said:

“You don’t have to thank me. I destroyed the very thing you sent me to find.”

“True. But you also prevented me from making another mistake. – she put her hand on his shoulder to emphasize her words. – I couldn’t see it at first, but Merrin was right. You did well to listen to her.”

He fondly smiled at her. He was oddly proud of the praise she made of their newest friend, but he had to tell her the whole reason of his choice. And so, he did. He finally told her about the visions he had in the vault and then they spoke for hours about the Force and Jedi teachings, remembering and missing the Order that was no more but agreeing that it couldn’t come back. Not truly, not as it was.

The chilly evening air quickly enveloped them and the night sky filled with twinkly stars, their bellies were still empty from the missing dinner but they couldn’t care less, lost in tales of bygone knights and heroes they found a moment of peace.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So a few things.
> 
> It's not clearly stated, at least to my knowledge, how long the story of the game takes so i decided to go with about three or four months from when Cal is discovered on Bracca to when they escape Nur. The story is quickly paced so I didn't want to stretch it out too much but I also wanted it feel believable and not happening in the span of a few days. Also I have no concept of haw space ships works in this universe or how long it would take them for travelling form one planet to the next so consider any time indications as my headcanon for this story and no hard facts.
> 
> Also I know that it wasn't out right stated in game that the one who made Cere crack was Vader but to me it was heavily implied it was him. I mean, Cere is a bad ass Jedi Master and, although my Star Wars lore is a bit on the weak side, I can't believe that it was some rando inquisitor, no matter how strong, so I decided to go with him being the one who orchestrated her and Trilla's fun times at the fortress for this story.
> 
> Hoped you liked the chapter! Please let me know in the comments and don't worry next part is coming ;) Have a wonderful day <3


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, here it is! Pt.2 of was supposed to be last chapter :)  
> To be honest I ended up enjoying it more as a two-parter but let me know in the comments! :)
> 
> As always, thanks for stopping by and have a good reading! <3

“Where the hell are Cere and the kid, now?”

“Beep-woo Boo?”

“Yes, I know they’re late for dinner, that’s why I’m asking!”

She could clearly hear Greez grumble to BD-1 from their improvised kitchen on the second floor as she was setting the table in the side room with the fan door.

She sighed. The older alien was the rougher of the Mantis’ crew members but she could see that he cared deeply for Cal and Cere and even BD, but with her, he was different. He wasn’t unkind nor unjust, he was simply colder. All their interactions where work related, and in the rare occasions that they weren’t, it was always her asking questions and him trying to awkwardly finish the conversation as soon as possible.

And that was mainly because he seemed terrified of her magick.

She was never a people person, only a few close friends and Ilyana at her side, and while that didn’t bother her as a child, she was now craving to have a better relationship with the strange four-armed captain of the Mantis.

It had been a long time since she belonged somewhere, and now she was finally starting to feel like the Mantis could be that place for her. Sure, Dathomir would always be home, but the nightbrothers could never replace her sisters. They were more like their subjects than their family. She may have not actually be the only person left on Dathomir after the slaughter of her sisters, but that, somehow, felt even worse. She was alone and surrounded by the crumbling remains of their culture. And then, Malicos came and she was naïve and foolish enough to believe him, effectively destructing what little remained of their ways. And sometimes she bitterly wondered if it wasn’t better this way. Dathomir could be cruel and unforgiving more often than not, the Dark Side slithering in every crack of the ground and festering in every shadowy crevice.

But the Mantis… The Mantis was different. Despite its cold metal walls, it was Cal’s warmth and Cere’s music, BD’s comforting beeping and Greez’s rough humor. Even now, in this Cordova’s old abode the same familiar atmosphere was permeating every wall and surface, tugging at her Force sense with warmth and light. It was foreign and yet comforting and for once in so long she felt at peace, balanced. She still wanted justice for her murdered sisters but not vengeance. On the Mantis, that spark of Light that was inside her and that she was told so many times it was her weakness, finally had space to grow and flourish.

And to preserve that, she was determined to get to know Greez better, to learned what he liked and what he didn’t like, but mostly to make him see that he had no reason to fear her.

Her sisters taught her that fear and power where useful tools but she knew that a kind gesture could hold as much power, if not more. They had called her weak for that, and maybe she was. Perhaps that’s why she survived. Cal always talks about trusting the Force and maybe the tragedy that happened on her home world was the Force’s way of telling them that their ways were no longer needed, that the Jedi ways were no longer needed. It was cruel and she didn’t like it, but she knew very well how often the needed path isn’t the kind one. But this was a new start, away from the shackles of the past and revenge, their new path. So, she was determined to make it work.

That’s why she called out to Greez.

“I could go look for them.”

Everything came to a stop from the floor above her, only the constant humming of the fan bouncing off of the walls.

She used her magick and teleported right behind the older member of their crew who jumped so high in the air that he could have rivaled any Jedi’s agility.

“Crap! Don’t ever do that again, ya hear?”

She struggled not to laugh in his face there and there but, somehow, she managed and she simply nodded with a guilty smile on her lips.

Greez looked at her sideways, as if contemplating if reprimanding her more or not. He seemed to have decided against it since he settled on a simple:

“Just don’t take too long or the food will get cold.”

She nodded silently and left, BD following closely behind her.

“Boo-be-beep?”

It seemed to ask her something, its head tilting inquisitive. She really needed to ask Cal for more lessons on understanding the little droid.

“I still don’t understand you.”

She said as she continued walking, now reaching the open plains that sat above their refuge, the fist shade of dusk starting to paint the open sky.

“Woop…”

It sounded sad at her response so she knelt down at patted it on the head.

“You can still help me look, though.” She added smiling.

“Beep-trill!”

BD started jumping excited at the offer and it didn’t waste any time, climbing on her shoulders as it usually did Cal’s. Merrin was surprised at how heavy it was for something that size. How Cal managed to adventure around the whole galaxy with it on his shoulder was something that escaped her. But at the same time the confusing beeping and the added weight were comforting on their own right.

She looked around some more before setting on a direction to follow, a slight and gentle tug on the Force pulling her in the direction of Cal. She had always felt his presence, since the first time he set foot on Dathomir, he was like a lit candle in the dead of night. Even when he first left, well, when she chased him off the planet, and he was who knows how many systems away, she could still feel a feeble presence, far back in her mind telling her that he was out there, somewhere.

She kept following the gentle pull but she hadn’t to walk long and when she arrived, she was enraptured by the sight. The sky was now being blushed in soft shades of pink by the sunset, and there, sitting on a nearby ledge, two figure peaked trough the tall grass. The two Jedi were amicably speaking to each other, all soft smiles and bright eyes. Both seemed more relaxed that what she could ever remember seeing them be. The soft cast of twilight made Cere look younger and less tired and it ignited Cal’s hair in a thousand shades of red and it softened the sharp edges of his scars.

She stopped dead in her tracks. She was to far to hear what they were talking about but she knew the feeling that permeated the evening air: kinship.

A hole seemed to open in the middle of her chest, threatening to swallow her whole. She was happy for them, she really was, but seeing them like this, understanding each other only like members of the same order could, made her long for her sisters. Seeing them like this reminded her that she would never experience that feeling again, not truly. The Mantis crew was her new family, but that didn’t mean she could simply forget her old one.

“Beep-”

“No. – She said softly while petting the droid on her shoulders, eyes glistening with unshed tears. – We shouldn’t disturb them.”

She turned back on her tracks, walking softly but quickly to avoid being noticed. As she approached their camp, she willfully wiped her eyes with the back of her hand before her tears could decide to fall.

She would not cry. There was no point, tears wouldn’t bring her sisters back.

The cool metal head of BD bumped softly on her right cheek, soft but preoccupied beeps following the touch.

Now she understood why Cal had taken such a liking to this droid. Him and BD-1 were the same, kind and brave. It warmed her heart that even a droid cared for her. Her sisters were gone but she was no longer alone. It wasn’t the same but she was grateful for every single one of them.

She took BD down from its perch on her shoulder and she cradled it a little before hugging it tight.

“Thank you, BD. I’m better now.” She said softly as she released it.

“Beep-boo Wee-Beep!”

She still didn’t understand what it said but it seemed to be happy for her, or happy to have helped. A half smile colored her lips as she said:

“Let’s go back to Greez, before he thinks we all went missing.”

As they went back inside the old latero was waiting for them at the table she had set before leaving, but now the four plates were full of food, ready for dinner.

“Well, it’s time you showed up. The food was getting cold and – he stopped mid sentence as he noticed that Merrin was alone. – Wait, where are they?”

“They are busy.” She said matter of factly, while taking her usual seat, left to Cal’s and in front of Cere’s, leaving the two of them in an awkward diagonal disposition.

“Busy? Busy with what?”

His tone was getting more unbelieving and frustrated, apparently, he really didn’t like the prospect of having to dine with her alone.

“Jedi business.” It was technically true, but she kept it vague enough. She actually had no idea of what they were talking about and she felt too embarrassed to admit that she didn't want to disturb their moment of peace.

“And it couldn’t wait?”

“No… Not really.” True again. If not more of her own assumption.

He sighed a heavy and resigned sigh.

“I see… Well, uhm, if you need to go with them as well, just go. Don’t you worry about me, I can have one dinner alone.”

She was confused now.

“Why do you think I would go with them? I’m not a Jedi.”

“No, but you have the Force, right? Thought you’d understand them more than I do.”

It was as if a lightbulb lit up in her head. Maybe it wasn’t that he didn’t want to be alone with her, but that he felt left out as the only non-Force sensitive member of the crew. Her expression softened slightly from her usual one. It was almost imperceptible but he seemed to have noticed it, since he raised one of his eyebrows questioningly.

“I have the Force, but the way I use it has little in common with the way they use it. I’d understand little more than you would.”

Greez seemed surprised by her explanation, but then he nodded to himself, understanding the hidden meaning behind her words. “I”, not “we”. Because she was the last one using it that way and she would be the last one ever to use it that way. The Jedi order was destroyed, yes, but some Jedi must have survived order 66 as Cal and Cere did, and new Force sensitive children would be born all around the galaxy while she had no hope to bring back her people.

“You could explain to me how yours works, you know. I won’t promise I’ll understand any of what you’ll say but I can listen.”

She smiled. She would love to explain their ways to someone, but she didn’t think Greez was ready for it, not yet at least. Or perhaps, she was the one who wasn't ready. Besides, she didn’t want to make him fear her more than what he already did.

“I’d like to, someday. But for now, why don’t you explain to me how you made this. – She said gesturing the food. – On Dathomir, we didn’t have something like this.”

“Wait, you never had roast before?” He questioned unbelievingly.

“No.”

“Well you don’t know what you missed, let me tell you!”

He then started explaining in every detail how he made their dinner, and she listened carefully, glad that the change of subject went over smoothly but also genuinely curious about his cooking.

The conversation then stirred towards sharing recipes and questioning each other’s taste for the rest of the meal with the occasional curious beep from BD-1 who didn’t want to be left out of the conversation. It was a simple evening, but Merrin loved every moment of it as she felt like she finally broke through the though shell of the last crew member of the Mantis.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok, so I really wanted to explore more of Merrin and Greez's relationship because I'd love to see him soften with her as he did with Cal in game but since neither of them strikes me as the "now I want to talk about my feelings" type I struggled a little finding the right balance. I hope I managed to make it somewhat true to their characters so please let me know what you think of it! :)


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, hello there! I'm not dead! :D
> 
> Sorry this took so long but my holidays have been way busier than I expected and so I had little time to actually sit down and write something. And then, when I finally had the time I got sick and so you can immagine how well that went.
> 
> But I'm back now! And to make amends I bring you a longer chapter. :)
> 
> Also I wanted to thank BigFoot175 and far_out_fangirl for helping me out with the lore of the nightsisters. I knew noting of the Extended Universe before diving into this work and they have been a great help, pointing me to where I could find answers. So, thank you my friends. Your help has been greatly appreciated :) <3
> 
> Anyway, have a nice reading. Hope you enjoy it! <3

It had been two weeks since they arrived on Bogano and Cal was starting to get restless. The wound from Nur was still angry and red on his pale skin and while it stopped hurting every waking hour like before, it still bothered him while doing some complex or rush movements.

Before, he could use his time helping around the abode, setting back up their tech or scrapping for spare parts and components they could use, but now that they were settled in, he had lesser and lesser to do each day and it was slowly driving him insane.

He always had something to do. First it was the Jedi training, then working as a scrapper and then going on what basically was a scavenger hunt for the holocron. Even when he wasn’t actually running around doing something and he had some downtime for himself, he always had a next thing waiting for him, his next training session or his next shift and even when the task was just surviving, it was something he could focus on. But now, he felt like he was waiting for something that he wasn’t sure when it would come.

They had all agreed to wait on Bogano for the waters to get calmer but he was starting to wonder when that would be. It was unrealistic to hope that the Empire would forget about them completely. They were two force sensitive, a Nightsister and a captain with a bounty on his head who stole valuable informations from right under their noses after all, but they hoped things could get quiet enough for them to be able to help others in the galaxy while not being detected, or at least while not to constantly having to worry about Inquisitors being on their trail. But it was clearly too early for that yet, at least judging from some Imperial transmissions Cere was able to intercept.

So, for now, he decided to use his time training. Some moves still hurt to do, especially the more acrobatic ones, but he needed to blow off some steam.

Master Tapal had always lectured him on how patience was key for a Jedi, and while he understood that lesson, he had always felt more comfortable fighting than meditating. He didn’t like the violence or the killing, naturally, if he had, he would have fallen to the Dark Side a long time ago considering how much fighting he had to do in his short life. No, what he liked was the simplicity of it. There was no right or wrong, only action and reaction. A complicated dance to see who was stronger, or quicker or smarter. It was freeing in a sense, being able to empty his mind and simply follow the rhythm. And he was good at it. Much more so than in any other aspect of his training. So much so that he knew some members of the Council had questioned if he wasn’t on a slippery slope to the Darkness, but Master Tapal had always been able to see past that, and see him for who he was. He was the one who taught him not to fear his strengths in the Force, while still being aware and vigilant of the danger lurking within them.

Surprisingly or maybe unsurprisingly, aside from when he used his psychometry, it was amidst the chaos of battle that he could feel the Force the clearest, humming sweetly trough his lightsaber, hinting at him the direction of his opponent’s next move or of their position on the battlefield. It was a second nature for him, as easy as breathing.

Now, what he felt as he practiced his forms in the fields above the abode, was different, though. He was alone, if not for BD-1 who was curiously scanning a rock a few feet from him, and yet, he felt watched. It wasn’t an unpleasant sensation though, but rather a familiar one, one that he didn’t really know what to make of, yet.

A smile sneaked on his lips as he continued with his training, pretending for a while that the gentle tug he felt wasn’t getting closer.

After a powerful swing he quickly tiptoed to his left, twirling in position for his next move: a deep overhead slash. Every nerve in his abdomen burned as he raised his arms to perform the strike, his wound finally protesting the exercise, but he ignored the pain and he accurately stopped the blow mid-swing, his yellow saber hovering steadily in mid-air.

“You seem better.”

Merrin’s voiced beamed as a glow of green magick revealed her presence a few feet right of where Cal’s weapon stood still drawn.

She seemed unfazed by its proximity and Cal knew that even if he hadn’t stopped, she was still out of range of his blow, but he still wanted to make sure that she was ok.

“Don’t you know it’s dangerous to sneak up on someone who’s training? I could have hit you.” He said, turning off his lightsaber.

“I wasn’t sneaking, I was observing. Besides, I knew you wouldn’t hit me.” She said earnestly.

Cal was still baffled by how much she was willing to trust him, especially considering her history with Malicos and the murder of her sisters but he was glad that she did.

“Yeah… And what where you observing exactly?” He said with a smirk.

“Your recovery, obviously.” She replied, a smirk of her own to go with her single raised eyebrow. “I wanted to see how you were doing.”

“I’m better, thank you.”

“Good. Then you can join me.” She said as she started walking in the direction of the open fields in front of the vault.

He hurried after her, quickly falling in synch with her pace as a silent agreement.

“So, what are we doing?” He said after a while, looking at BD who was following them closely after it had just beeped questioningly at him.

“Greez asked me to hunt for our dinner. I thought I could use the help.”

He was sure she didn’t need any help dealing with the fauna on Bogano, not only because the animals on Dathomir were significantly more aggressive that the ones there but also because she’s been the one providing them with food in the past weeks. Another thing he was sure of was that he needed the distraction, and he was sure she knew it as well, so he simply nodded without pointing out the obvious favor she was doing him.

“Did you have something in mind already? Please tell me we’re not having another bog rat roast. I don’t know if I can eat that for the eighth time in a row.”

“Hey, Greez’s roast is very good!” She said almost offended by his comment.

“Yes, it is… just maybe not every evening.” He said defensively. He was glad that they seemed to be getting along better lately but Greez’s newfound dedication to Merrin’s taste was starting to get out of hand, especially when he refused to take in any food requests but for hers.

“What do you suggest, then?” She said stopping and crossing her arms while turning to face him properly.

As she turned, the sunlight was beautifully caught in the silver of her swinging hair, which Cal had just noticed where loosely tied in a half up-do rather than her usual bun, creating a glistening halo around her. It lasted for just a fraction of a second, but it was enough for Cal to lose all focus on the current task. He had always known she was beautiful, he may have been raised to frown upon attachments but he wasn’t blind. And yet, it was as if that was the first time he was actually seeing her. And it knocked the wind right out of him.

“Boo-beep?”

Cal cleared his throat, mentally tanking BD for unknowingly bringing him back to reality. What the hell was that?

“Good idea, BD. What about an oggdo steak? We haven’t had some in a while.”

She seemed to weight the options for a second before nodding approvingly.

“Any idea where we could find one of those?” She asked.

Cal smirked, changing their direction slightly.

“Come on, follow me.”

They didn’t have to walk long before encountering an oggdo. It was peacefully rolling in the mud at the feet of the slope that lead to the vault, completely unaware of their presence behind a nearby rock, and if he hadn’t known any better, he wouldn’t think it was much of a threat at first glance.

“So, how do you want to do this?” He whispered softly in her ear to avoid being discovered. He was perhaps leaning a little closer than strictly necessary but neither of them seemed aware nor to care about this.

“I distract it, you kill it.” She whispered back, turning her face away from their pray just enough for Cal to be able to feel her warm breath on his neck.

As he looked to where she was supposed to be, he saw only the smoky green residue of her fading magick, the soft pull on the Force growing fainter as she moved invisibly in position.

“Come on, little pal. Let’s get us some dinner.” He said chirpy as BD climbed to his usual position on his shoulders.

He waited patiently as suddenly a ball of green ichor bounced directly into the oggdo’s face, stunning it for a second before it could figure out who was attacking it.

“That’s our cue!”

“Beep-trill!”

Cal lunged forward, flanking the beast with a powerful strike. But it wasn’t enough to kill the creature that howled in pain. In a flash it leaped toward him, its sharp teeth merciless reaching for his abdomen. He quickly dodge-rolled out of the way but the frog-like beast pounced after him relentlessly until a series of ichor balls hit it in its three eyes, leaving it stunned once again.

Cal didn’t hesitate one second, splitting his lightsaber in its two halves and delivering the finishing blow. But as the oggdo crashed in the mud defeated he also feel with one knee to the ground and out of breath.

He hadn’t taken any damage but all the rolling around and the final swing were still too much for his injury that was now raging angry under his shirt, making it seem that the whole left side of his chest was on fire.

“Beep-Bee Trill-Boo!” Trilled alarmed BD, jumping down from his shoulder to take a better look at its owner.

“I’m ok BD. I just need a second.” He panted, trying to reassure his friend.

The pain was slowly fading more and more each passing second but it still kept him kneeled in the mud.

“Cal.”

Merrin’s voice called as she knelt in the dirt beside him, a soft hand on his shoulder and a deep frown on her face.

“I thought you were fine.” She said softly, her guilt and anger displayed in her eyes as an open book for him to read.

“I said I was better. It still bothers me sometimes.” He said as his breathing finally took to a normal rhythm.

“I can see that… You shouldn’t have pushed yourself.”

“It was a good day, today. It barely bothered me until now, so I thought I could push it a little.” He reassured with a sly half smile.

He turned to get a proper look at her, she was clearly worried still but at least she didn’t seem angry or guilty anymore.

“At least we got our dinner.” He joked and she caved a half smile of her own twisting her lips.

“Yes, it was an impressive kill… for someone in your condition.” She teased mercilessly.

They both chuckled, the adrenaline of the fight leaving their bodies and leaving them in a peaceful trance that was broken by the sound of a ship entering the atmosphere.

Both snapped their heads up as a small transport ship pierced trough the sparse clouds and it quickly descended closer and closer to the temple, and so to where they were.

“Is that –”

“The Empire. They found us.” He grimly interrupted her.

Merrin quickly jumped back up, extending one hand to Cal as she said: “Get up. We need to go.”

He took her hand without hesitation and was surprised at how easily she helped him up. If things had been different, he might have joked about it, but they didn’t have that luxury as the transport ship landed right in front of them, blocking their quickest escape route.

“BD, jump on one of us. Quick. – Merrin commanded the droid, who readily started climbing up Cal’s back, and then she turned to Cal himself, pleading dark eyes locked with pale greenish-grey ones. – Do you trust me?”

He was confused by the abrupt question but he was sure of his answer: “Yes.”

“Then, don’t let go of my hand.”

Her eyes were now steely and fierce, just as when he first met her. He simply nodded, knowing somehow that this was what he was supposed to do instead of running for their life.

As the door slid open, she started a soft chant than made her green smoky magick envelop them, concealing them from the small patrol of troopers that was now staring at a void field.

Cal could feel the darkness crawl around him, tingly on his exposed skin, and yet it was a completely different sensation from when he felt Vader’s anger and coldness wanting to devour him on Nur. It was still cold and unpleasant, like wearing wet clothing in the midst of a snowstorm, but it wasn’t as malicious or suffocating. If he focused, he could almost feel a hint of light hidden amid the shadows. It was foreign and familiar at the same time and Cal couldn’t help but turn his head toward Merrin, mesmerized by her magick-green glowing eyes.

As noises of marching feet reached his ears, Cal focused back to the ship. This wasn’t the time to daydream.

The troopers disembarked their transport ship orderly, creating two rows of ten soldier each at the sides of the ramp, finally letting the commanding officer pass, his dark uniform a stark contrast to the white ones that accompanied him.

A purge trooper. It wasn’t an inquisitor, but still, Cal knew he would have a hard time taking that one out in his condition. He could only hope that Merrin’s ritual would fool them long enough for them to escape.

The purge trooper walked right by them, stopping to analyze their kill.

“This is fresh. And it has lightsaber marks on it.” He said mainly to himself. Then he turned to his patrol. “The Jedi is here! Find him!”

In matter of a second the stromtroopers formed squads of three or four and spread out into the wilderness of Bogano to hunt their prey. Only the purge trooper remained for a little longer in the clearing, giving a final inspection of the area, before finally storming off to join the hunt.

After a couple of minutes, Merrin decided they were safe and she let her magick fall, she then turned to Cal, concerned.

“Was that an inquisitor?”

Right, she had never seen an inquisitor face to face, and he was glad that she hadn’t this time either.

“No. – He explained as they hurried along one of the paths that lead back to the Mantis’ hiding place. – Just a purge trooper. They’re not force sensitive but they are still trained in killing Jedi, and they are very dangerous.”

She simply nodded, understanding the danger they were in.

“BD, open a safe link with Cere.” He then instructed his friend, not stopping their march even for a second.

“Beep-Boo!”

“Cere. It’s Cal. We have company.”

“Yes. – She replied over the comm. – We saw them landing. I’m sorry, the chatter seemed quiet this morning. I didn’t think they were going to drop a recon team.”

“It’s fine Cere, you couldn’t have known.”

“Hey kid! – It was Greez this time. – Have you seen Merrin? She was supposed to go hunting but she doesn’t have any comm with her.”

He smiled fondly as he turned back to Merrin who was also smiling as they kept walking.

“Yeah, don’t worry she’s with me. We haven’t been seen yet, but we got a good look at them. It’s a small unit. About twenty troopers lead by one purge trooper. They were headed mainly in the direction of the tomb.”

“And no inquisitors?” Cere asked surprised.

“No, not that we’ve seen at least.”

“Small miracles, I guess. We’ll get the bare necessities here and then head for the Mantis. You two just get there as fast as you can.”

“Got it. We’re already on the way. And Cere… Be careful.”

“Yeah, you too.”

And with that the link was closed. He looked back once more to Merrin who seemed to read his mind.

“They’ll be fine, Cal. They have to go the opposite way the soldiers went to reach the ship.”

“Yeah, but we don’t.”

“Then we will take care of them.” She said matter-of-factly as she picked up her pace, passing him as he followed her closely.

He knew she was more than capable of looking after herself, that wasn’t the issue. The issue was the rhythmic throbbing of his wound that had never left him since he got back up. He knew he could fight like this, especially with Merrin as back up, what he didn’t know was how long he could keep it up before his body gave up on him like before. He just hoped he wouldn’t have to find out right now.

For a short while everything seemed to go smoothly, only some overly aggressive critters that Merrin quickly dispatched with her magick before he could even think to join the fray but no troopers. They were almost at the entrance of the cave system where they hid the ship when a voice called from above.

“Down here! I see the Jedi!”

It was a couple of stormtroopers on a higher ledge, left to where they were. It wasn’t a big drop and they could have easily jumped on them if they wanted, but thankfully they decided to try and blast them instead. Cal drew his lightsaber and in a swift movement he sent back the plasma bolts from where they came, killing their assaulters in an instant.

“Nice shot.” Merrin said as she resumed down their path, turning a corner and exiting his field of vision.

He smirked proudly. Maybe she was right, things could be worse.

Just as he finished that thought, Merrin’s pained scream reached his ears.

Or maybe not.

He rushed down the path, as BD was frantically beeping from his back. He turned the corner and jumped down a ledge, landing in a clearing where Merrin was facing off against the purge trooper.

The smell of burnt flesh insinuated up his nostrils as he flung himself between her and the Jedi killer. He turned his head slightly to asses her well-being and he felt queasy as he caught a glimpse of the scorched skin peaking under the torn fabric of the black tunic on her left arm.

“Merrin, are you ok?”

“I’ve had worse. Don’t worry.” She replied, anger visibly seething underneath her brown eyes.

“Ah, you found yourself a brave one, Jedi. Too bad this will be your end.” Mocked the purge trooper, forcing Cal to pay attention to him.

His stance was aggressive, just a dash away from them, his electrostaff ready and sparking violet.

Cal drew his yellow saber, ready to defend.

The trooper lunged at him with a powerful strike, but he easily read his movement and parried quickly. Cal then moved in a dynamic counter of his own but he too was parried. So thus, commenced a quick dance of strike and counterstrike. A swing, a dodge, a comeback. And repeat. A flurry of mighty blows on both ends. A relentless clash of yellow and violet. All the while, Merrin was patiently waiting for an opening to cast her magick without the risk of hitting her allay. Stalking them, as the men circled around each other endlessly.

Cal had fought worse. This trooper was skilled but he had none of the finesse Trilla had, nor the mind blowing strength of Malicos. But as the fight went on, each strike became more and more painful to perform, each parry more and more harrowing to execute.

The burning in his side kept ramping up, spreading quickly and steadily up his nerves until finally his left arm gave out and his opponent’s blow broke his guard, sending him tumbling on the ground, screaming in pain as his back connected with the hard surface.

He couldn’t move. Every ounce of strength seemed to leave his body as only the white hot rage of his wound remained to keep him awake. Slowly, he forced himself to open his eyes as he felt his opponent draw closer.

The trooper sprinted in a high jump, electrostaff ready to impale him on the ground. He wouldn’t be able to dodge in time. He wouldn’t be able to parry in time. He could only do one thing.

He reached within and extended his arm as he summoned the Force to temporarily slow his opponent. As the dark figure seemed to freeze mid-air, he forced himself to roll away.

In the meantime, Merrin didn’t waste the opening, casting a barrage of green ichor that knocked their enemy in the dirt.

“Get up, Cal!” Merrin urged him, but as he tried, he fell back face down in the grass.

“Cal!” She called again, never stopping her stream of ichor balls directed at the trooper that was now marching menacing toward him.

He willed himself on his knees, just in time to see the purge trooper swing violently for his left side. He prepared himself for the impact, but it never came as Merrin materialized out of her swirling magick, right in front of him, taking the full brunt of the blow in her stomach.

“Noooo!” He screamed as he heard her cry out it pain.

A last surge of strength took over him as he plunged his saber forward running the trooper right through the chest and killing him on the spot.

As he switched off his lightsaber, all three bodies hit the floor lifeless, only a frantic beeping could be heard in the distance of his mind as excruciating pain called him to the dark.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And so the angst finally appears :D
> 
> Also I wanted to point out a few things.
> 
> I decided to give Cal a yellow lightsaber because I did some digging and apparently its meaning in the lore is that it's a saber for someone who uses the Force practically, as a tool, and also for someone who is focused on guarding knowledge as the Jedi sentinels did and it seemed to fit Cal perfectly. To be honest, in my game I have him rock a cyan blade and that will always be my canon color for him but I was always torn between yellow and cyan and in the end, also thanks to a poll on twitter, I decided to go with yellow for the story while keeping cyan for my game.
> 
> About Cal's love for fighting, I decided to take a spin on what Cameron Monaghan (the actor who plays him) said on an interview about him. He said something along the lines of him being a lightsider who is a little gruffier around the edges because of the life he had to live and I loved that interpretation so I had to do something with it. 
> 
> Also, I know that in every guide/lore reference Cal is said to have green eyes but I really think the look more grey to me than anything else so I decided to go in between, grey with a tint of green depending on the lighting, just like my dad's :)
> 
> Oh and guys, yes, I've seen the Rise of Skywalker. No, I will not mention it further than this. I will not bash it nor praise it. I personally didn't like it but if you did, great! I'm happy you could enjoy it. If you didn't like it, great! I didn't either. But please, whatever your feeling are on the matter, refrain from spoilers in the comments for people that may have to see it yet. Thank you so much <3
> 
> Anyway, hoped you liked the chapter and let me know your thoughts <3


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So here's another chapter :)  
> This one turned out pretty long too so I've decided to break it into two again.  
> Let me know what you think! :)  
> As always have a good reading :D <3

The rhythmic sound of the Mantis’ engine and soft, almost inaudible, breaths were the only noises filling the otherwise silent and dim room.

Cal was impossibly still in his chair. His wound had stopped hurting after a few hours of rest but he felt like all his nerves had been exposed. Elbows planting in his knees and hands intertwined to support his heavy head. His grey eyes fixated on the figure in front of him.

Merrin was lying peacefully in her bed, the color now slightly returning to her marked cheeks and her silver hair loose and spreading out on her pillow. Her right hand rising and falling steadily in synch with her breaths, from over her stomach. Her left one at her side above the blanket that was covering her up to her middle torso.

If he hadn’t known any better, Cal might have thought that she was just sleeping. But he knew better. He knew that under that thin grey blanket, were hidden carefully placed gauzes and bandages, and that under those, there was a deep gash crowned by blisters and bruises that defiled her body.

And he knew it was his fault.

The more he looked at her, the more he wasn’t just seeing her. He saw Master Tapal’s dead body, full of blaster shots and eyes devoid of life as his escape pod crashed on Bracca. He saw Prauf’s lifeless form crumbling to the ground as the Second Sister’s angry red lightsaber frizzled in the cold rain. And he kept seeing her materialize out of her misty green magick and taking the blow that was meant for him. Her screech filling the silence.

A master, dead to protect his student. A friend, murdered to cover for a fugitive. And now her, injured to save him.

He was always the one needing to be saved. Always the one his loved ones sacrifice everything for. And he hated it.

If he had been braver, his master would still be alive. If he had been smarter, his friend would still be alive. If he had been stronger, she would be laughing her rare laughs with him and the others in the main deck, not forced to bed, barely clinging to her life.

His head was spiraling with what ifs, slowly dragging him back into the slimy pool of guilt he had just barely escaped.

Then, the door swung open, letting in the soft warm light from the hallway, and with it, Cere’s calm voice filled the deafening silence.

“She will be fine, Cal. You should rest, too.”

He straightened his back as he turned away from the unconscious nightsister to face her.

“I’ve rested enough.”

His voice was harsh and detached, so different from what he usually sounded like, and it made Cere’s forehead wrinkle in worry.

“Cal.” She tried again, softer this time.

“I’m not leaving.” He stated, ignoring her and turning back to look at Merrin again.

“She just needs rest. There’s nothing you can do-”

“Don’t you think I know, Cere!? It’s my fault she’s in that bed and I can’t help her!” He angrily shouted as he jumped on his feet to face her as he interrupted her, surprising the both of them.

Silence filled the room once more as the Jedi stared at each other, neither of them sure of what to do next. Then a loud trill called Cal’s attention. BD-1 was at his feet, angry and sad, but mostly worried. And with that simple sight it was as if a switch was flipped inside his brain, and all the sudden anger left him even before it could actually settle in his heart.

He deflated as he sat back down, still turned toward the older Jedi and he exhaled loudly before speaking again, his voice barely a whisper clouded by shame and regret.

“I’m sorry, Cere. I’m so sorry. – Another sharp breath escaped him as tried to hold back the tears that were pooling in his eyes. – I can’t leave her. This is my fault. Again.”

Cere moved further inside the small room, stopping only a few feet from him and she kneeled to look him in the eyes, her hands gently resting on his closed fists.

“Cal. Listen to me. This was _not_ your fault. Do you understand me? If things were reversed, you would have done the same for her. For any of us. Would you blame her, or us, if you got hurt protecting us?”

“Of course not!” He replied, appalled by the very idea.

“Then don’t blame yourself either. – She stated sternly but somehow kindly. – Because I’m sure she doesn’t.”

He whimpered as he nodded his head. Deep down, he knew she was right, but the guilt and regret clouded his judgement.

As he closed his eyes, he could still see the events of the day play in the back of his mind. He could still feel BD’s cool metal head stir him awake, empty stim canister by his side. He could still feel the sheer terror in realizing that Merrin was reversed motionless in a small pool of warm crimson, just a few inches from him. The pain, dulled but still present, as he forced himself up and rushed to her side to give her BD’s last stim. The hope that burst in his chest as she stirred in his arms, still weak and bleeding but alive. The despair as he painfully dragged themselves towards his goal. He could still hear her feeble voice as she pleaded to leave her behind and save himself while she slipped in an out of consciousness. He could still feel the panic taking over him as they stumbled into the Mantis’s safety only to realize that she was unresponsive again, this time paler and colder.

He could still see the blood he had washed away in the shower, he could still feel its warmth on his hands.

Cal could feel his face wet as the tears started falling, and sniffing he bared his heart to the older woman in front of him.

“You’re right. I know you are. But it’s so hard.”

“Yes, it is. It always is. That’s why you have to do it, why you have to fight it.”

“What if I can’t?” He asked pleadingly.

“I know you can. You did it before. Besides, you’re stronger than you think, Cal.”

He wasn’t sure he completely agreed with her, he didn’t feel very strong at the moment, but he didn’t want to keep arguing so he simply nodded and then looked back at Merrin, still beautifully frozen in her unconsciousness. The unique warm tug in the Force was urging him to get closer, to help, even though he knew he couldn’t do anything for her now, so he simply took her left hand, hoping she could feel his presence as he did hers. Hoping that that would be enough.

He had lost a master. He had lost his order. He had lost a best friend. For a time, he had thought he had lost Cere as well. He knew what the pain of loss felt like, it was a part of him, and yet, he had never felt this void, this utter despair that he felt now at the idea of losing her.

“I- I can’t lose here, Cere. I just can’t.” He blurted it out, without thinking, but somehow, saying it out loud made him feel lighter, as if he had put down a weight he hadn’t even know he was carrying.

“I know. – She said with a faint smile on her lips. – And I know why, but do you?”

Cal was confused. What kind of question was that?

Of course he knew why. He didn’t want to lose her because she was his friend. No. That felt wrong somehow. They were friends, yes, but it was different than what he had with Prauf. And Master Tapal was his mentor, his family, and slowly Cere had become something akin to that, if maybe not exactly the same. And Greez and BD were family too, in a different way than Cere, but still, family none the less. Was Merrin family too? Well, yes. She was as much his family as the rest of the Mantis’ crew was, and yet, somehow that felt wrong too.

He was at a loss and so he couldn’t answer her question. He just kept looking at the unconscious form in front of him as if she held all the answers in the universe.

“Just keep thinking about it, I’m sure you’ll figure it out.” She smiled endearingly at him, then she got up and left the room, leaving him alone with BD and Merrin.

“Hey, what do you think she meant by that?” He asked his friend who had just jumped on the bed to take a better look at the resting Nightsister.

“Bee-Boop Beep.” Trilled confused the droid.

“Yeah. I figured. It was worth a shot though.”

“Woop-Boo. Beep-Bee.” Beeped caringly BD-1 as it gently pushed Merrin’s cheek as if to wake her, but the only result was her head wobbling back a little further than before and a few strands of silver falling to cover part of her face.

“Yeah… - Cal smiled fondly at the sweetness the droid showed as he carefully swept the rogue locks out of the way. - I like her too, BD.”

And as soon as he said it, it hit him like a brick wall straight to the face.

He liked her. More than what friends and family are meant to be liked as. He _liked_ her. As in the way lovers are supposed to like each other.

He had another thought forming on the tip of his tongue but he couldn’t, wouldn’t, utter it.

He was a Jedi. Jedi aren’t supposed to feel attachments like this. His master had warned him about this. He had warned him on how love could lead to the Darkness. But he had also told him how love can be the path to the Light. At the time he was too young to understand what he was trying to say, and he had told him he would explain it to him once he was ready. But that never came to be. His master died without ever finishing that lesson and now Cal was petrified by the realization of his feelings. Lost and confused, not really knowing what to do with this newfound information.

What was he supposed to do?

Ignore it? Pushing it down and resist the temptation?

But wouldn’t that mean to be afraid of it?

If love can lead to the Dark Side he was sure that fear does too. So, should he confront his feelings head on?

That seemed a better option but what would that mean?

Act on them?

He couldn’t do that. He had no idea how, nor if she felt the same way, which to be honest, it was probably mere wishful thinking on his part to hope that she did. He had heard her talk about Ilyana, after all. Besides, the Order's rules forbade it.

He was confused. His instinct was pushing him towards her, it always had. Since the first time he had met her and the Force resonated with trust around her despite the circumstances of their meeting, connecting them more and more each day. And he was supposed to trust the Force if nothing else, right?

He wanted to. But he had to think clearly, he had to leave.

As he was about to get up from his chair, the door to the room opened again, this time Greez’s gruff voice coming though to fill the silence.

“Hey Kid. Look, I know Cere already unsuccessfully tried to get you to rest but we’re in hyperspace right now. We’re as safe as we’ll ever be. You need to get all the sleep you can now so that you can be of some help later.”

“Yeah… Yeah, I should.” Cal said absent-mindedly, still partially focusing on his dilemma.

“I know, I know- … Wait what??” The older alien said incredulously.

“You’re right. I should go. – He looked back again reluctantly. – But I don’t want her to be alone when she wakes up. Would you mind stay in my place? Just in case.”

“Uhm... Sure, sure I’ll stay. You just go and rest alright?” He responded dazedly as he and Cal exchanged positions, still clearly unsure of what had just happened. Cere must have prepared him for a hard fight and Cal’s newfound compliance had thrown him off, evidently.

Cal left without another word, BD in tow as he stormed to the common area on the ship. He needed to find Cere, this was all her fault for putting the bug in his ear.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Aaahh, there's nothing like some good old tropes, right?! :D  
> No but seriously, at the pace I was going Cal might have realized what was going on when he turned like 50, LOL. He's a soft idiot and I love him but I needed to speed things along a bit xD
> 
> Also, I wanted to make an announcement. I WILL finish this story. I WILL, I SWEAR. I fell in love with this characters and I really want to give them the happy ending they deserve, but, that said, the next couple of weeks will be really, really busy for me and I have no idea if I'll be able to write enough to publish something, so if I don't, please just wait for me. I promise I will post as soon as I can, hoping it will be soon. :) <3


End file.
